According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
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I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I found your tweet-up…
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
🍛
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night