ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
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friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Time heals everything 🙂
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.