accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Challenge accepted.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.