Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.