ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
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What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!