Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
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My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.