ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
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Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.