Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
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Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”