Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
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me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
DOOO EEEET
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.