“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
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My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
i baked you a cake
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.