Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
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Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
#Caturday
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*