Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too