*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story