Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
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He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.