Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
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Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.