Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
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kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.