Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
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Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
sleeping beauty
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe