Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
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Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”