Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
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I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
My wedding will be open casket.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son