Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
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Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
monday
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.