Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
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Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.