Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
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[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
you have three unread messages
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter