[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
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Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.