Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
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Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
What a website
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?