Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
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What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.