I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
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An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
crying
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.