@theycallmehcat: Adding "and shit" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
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@iGreenMonk: I told the bank teller that I was changing banks & wanted to open an account "Great. What's the name of your former bank?" I said, "Piggy"
@fro_vo: [airplane intercom] good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
@RorynotRoy: You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, "Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave."
@WheelTod: Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.