Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
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Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My dad.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.