Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My beach vacation Google searches
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Childbirth is so beautiful
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.