toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
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I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
brian had himself a morning…
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor