ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
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In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS