@MaraWritesStuff: Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
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@undeadmolly: I deliberately mispronounce 'quinoa' and then adjust the server's tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
@LeightonSaysHi: He told me he wanted a dirty girl so I didn't shower for two weeks. Now he won't return my calls. Forget women, MEN and their mixed signals!
@ojedge: [on a plane] Stewardess: "Would you like a mint? It'll help your ears during takeoff" Me: "Sure, can I have two?" *puts one in each ear*
@longwall26: One day, some dude was all "You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig," and everybody went "That is a GREAT idea."