Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
You Might Also Like
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.