Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
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Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Mmmm canned fish.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*