(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
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*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
School be like
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
A friend sent me this.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.