Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
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[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.