him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her