[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
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Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal