[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
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Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.