Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE