Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
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Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe