I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
when revenge coincides with naptime
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT