advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
You Might Also Like
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen