Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
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My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I hate when that happens.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.