Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
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ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Someone just threatened to call me later
🙂🐾
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.