Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
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Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Confused owl: What?!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
black phone good
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Check your privilege
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”