[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Maths meets science
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves