[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE