After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
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Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
buys donuts instead
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.