[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
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Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Planet of the Apps.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.