Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
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Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Dance like you’re not the father
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Mad Max Arctic Road
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
selena gomez
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.