@TheCiscoKidder: After clipping my toddler's fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
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@PaperWash: idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
@FaisalAdam_: This, being a gentleman thing really works. Women just fall for me when I offer them my handkerchief. Sure it's dabbed in chloroform...
@NoTheOtherJohn: Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside Wife: What's wron- Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE [a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
@CherBear162: Medication for depression "may cause thoughts of suicide". If this were so for all meds then: Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger