@TheCiscoKidder: After clipping my toddler's fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
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@UncleDuke1969: “Your keys are over THERE.” - Wow. You have eagle eyes! “Yup. My vision is 20/20.” - No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
@wendyraepearce: If all my Facebook friends followed me on twitter, I'd be dragged to church for an exorcism.
@AlexvanBeek: Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
@pitbull_wizard: [blind date is waiting nervously at the table] *I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*